Cue long rambley post with all my feelings!
Going back to college after three years has been a rollercoaster of a journey. It has had some serious ups and downs.
I was anxious to go back to the college I attended three years ago due to various personal reasons. However, it was a different course and with different people, so I thought it would be a great experience meeting new friends and studying towards my career as a nurse.
At the beginning of the course I made friends with a group of girls and it was great. We were a really big class and having those girls by my side was good for support and hanging out with. Over the weeks and months, right up until Christmas, more and more people were dropping out. I got to know another girl, as her friends had left and I started to try include her. However I found the closer I got to her, the more I was pushed out of the group.
Unfortunately she then decided to leave the course too. Then I had no one.
The class kept getting smaller and smaller until eventually there was just 8 of us. Everyone in the class got to know each other more and there weren’t separate ‘cliques’ anymore.
Turns out there was.. it was just one clique and I didn’t fit in.
I don’t know how, I was a part of the group to begin with. I tried so very hard to join in. The group was a mixture of girls and a lot of them are loud and opinionated, which is fine. I like listening and when I have something to contribute, I’ll chip in.
This wasn’t the case, I could never get a word in edge ways. The group were always going off to McDonald’s or shopping and I’d get left behind.
One day, how I felt came out in the open. I was told that I look like a miserable cunt and I never join in. After explaining my side of the story, it came across that the group felt awkward around me because I hardly ever talk and even though this is because I never get a chance to, I just said I’d do my best to join in more.
After that, I thought it would get better. It did for a bit, a few of them talked to me more. However after a while it just went back to normal. They did buy me a birthday cake (everyone gets one) but they literally gave it to me and hardly interacted with me for the rest of the day.
So as I am writing this, I am sitting by myself after having a panic attack and failing an exam. The group have left and gone to McDonald’s.
The college course has been so intense! I could have really done with the support of college friends. Instead I have delt with issues alone. Even though I have my family behind me, it’s not the same of having someone who is doing the course with you.
2 more weeks left in college and then hopefully I will have completed and passed the whole course. With this in mind I hope I don’t have the same issues in University, otherwise it will be a long, difficult three years.