An honest chat..
I feel like having a chat. I’m not sure why really, I just feel like expressing myself today. I’m feeling quite spaced out, like nothing seems real and the days are just flowing past. Is this what it feels like growing up? My mother always says the days just fly by. It seems as if life has no purpose, I mean it obviously does. I just feel like I am not getting anywhere.
I know what I want. Well I think I know what I want. I want to start god damn college already, I am excited I guess, and nervous of course. It’s the start of a new adventure, a journey for my new career. I want to do it so bad, but I’m terrified of not liking it and having to start all over again. I’m focused, I am ready to study and learn. I know it’s going to be hard but I’ve just got to push through it.
I’m worrying about money as well. Due to me going back to college, it means I’ve had to give up one of my jobs. So now I’ll only be doing 8 hours a week and I’m not sure if that’s going to be enough. I have my loan to pay for my car monthly, also rent money to my parents. Along with wanting to save to move out, it’s going to be tight. Adding on fuel money, food and necessities.. plus Christmas and birthday’s. I just feel like it’s going to be a struggle.
Another one of my worries is my anxiety. I still find it hard when driving, sometimes I feel so sick and trapped. I haven’t been on the motorway yet. I mean that’s ok, there’s no rush. I’m just sticking to what I feel comfortable with doing at the moment. I also think about my anxiety affecting me in college. I wonder what the other students and lecturers will think if I suddenly run out of the classroom because I’m having a panic attack. I think about if it will stop me from reaching my full potential.
Something else I am finding difficult at the moment is here, my blog, Lottie Lately. The last month I tried so hard. I wrote about things I love, I gave my honest opinions, I upped my photography game, I posted regularly. Yet my stats have dropped. I know statistics aren’t everything, I know I shouldn’t let the numbers define me. However it just really got me down. When you work so hard for something, it just feels like you’re not getting anywhere and there’s no point.
I’m not really sure what to write about anymore on my blog. This is a totally different post for me. I don’t think I’ve ever truly written how I feel. In general, about life. It feels good to let it all out, it’s nice to express myself and write it all down. Maybe I’ll do more of these ramble style posts. I still love beauty and want to continue doing reviews etc. But I’d like to share more lifestyle posts. Updates on how college is going. Perhaps some posts about anxiety. I don’t know.
I am glad I wrote this post, I’m happy I’ve shared how I feel. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. If you have read this far, you’re a star! I salute you. Let me know if there’s anything you’d like to see more of.